Recently, I’ve been overwhelmed with work but also, overwhelmed with a desire to meet expectations and exceed them. I got my PhD place through a very competitive process where over 20 applicants selected this project as their first choice. My supervisor selected me over the others for some unknown reason and therefore I feel that I have to perform very well, and deliver on the potential that my supervisor clearly must have saw in me.
Hitting stumbling blocks and brick walls are normal in science, but just as I think I’m about to get started again, something bad happens and I’m back to square one. This is all leading to a lot of stress. Previously, I’ve handled stress pretty well but with all these expectations or perceived expectations flying around I’m finding it really tough to deal with. My colleague pointed out to me last night that most people in my division doing a PhD are on average 2 years older than I am, and she herself is 3 years older than me and we’ve both started our PhD’s at the same time. She was saying that she has had the time to mature, to have fun, learn the skills she needs to be able to gain perspective and focus without being dragged down too far when something fucks up or doesn’t go as planned.
This PhD has so far been one HUGE learning curve. Learning to function in a new lab, in a new city, with new cells, doing new assays, new ways of doing things, figuring out how to use new equipment and new methods of analysing data all adds to the difficulty. In addition, I’m having to take control of my project now to an extent I haven’t previously and balance work/life and lab/reading time. So yeah, it’s been tough! Hopefully I’m just in a trough and I’ll be steadily climbing out of it soon, to continue this roller coaster of a degree. I just need to remember that it’s a learning experience and that not getting good data by the end of the week is going to be the norm for a while. Managing my own expectations against my reality is proving to be one tough cookie.
Dedicated Nonsense 